Saturday, October 18, 2008

Fuses.

I have been meaning to post an entry myself for ages. I thought of so many great, funny and sharp things to say that would blow Seb's writing right out of the water, but I have been so tied up with other shit that I have forgotten most of it so you are stuck with this; a thoughtful piece according to me, B:

Funny isn’t it that whilst the world is full of people suffering hunger and war that our own problems seem bigger than any of these and we just can’t seem to overcome them. Striving for a dream and an unusual lifestyle is hard graft. I don’t mean just tough going I mean soul destroying, exhausting and bank breaking graft. Funny how a project that starts as a dream together can pull you apart and together at the same time and so often that you feel like a pushme-pullyou. How do you balance working to earn money, finding time to work on the thing that is costing the money and working on the career you hope to have established by the time the thing is finished?
Well it is October again, I say that with feeling as if you look back in the archives you will see that it was around this time of year when everything went tits up last time and so here it is again- no money, no time, too much work on and now an impeding forced period of rest due to surgery (I’m due to have horrid bone crunching on dodgy feet, nothing life threatening). All I can say is… oh fuck. Whilst I am struggling to reconcile the need to work on the horses that were due to be sold (and therefore lessen the workload) with trying to work on the boat all before the impeding hospital date, Seb is going mad. I don’t mean in the need to be committed sense but in the same way as an amplifier…Seb goes all the way up to 12 but his fuses blow at 11. He is struggling to stop panicking, worry keeps him awake- where to moor her, what about the timber, what about the paint etc etc. So worried about the bigger picture that he just can’t get on with the job in hand or should I say thing things we can get on with. It is so hard for both of us to be living through the weeks that we should have been preparing to launch but not being able to and at the same time staring down the barrel of another freezing winter….
I was looking at the (gorgeous) aft cabin timber structure the other day and thinking that it pretty much summed up my life at the moment- a giant game of Jenga. One false move or one crucial piece pulled out and..JENGA! All I can say is thank fuck for the clamps of friends and family that are holding our fragile structure together.
If anyone reads this and is thinking of undertaking anything similar, be it a house, a boat or simply relocating to a new place be prepared for it to take 5 times longer than you think and to consider carefully, not in the brave ‘we can do it’ sense but really be critical- can I do this, can we and will we survive?
War leaves scars and so does being hungry, whether that’s for food, for love or for a life you dream of. Make damn sure you can survive but also that you can heal.
The most valuable lesson I have learned so far is that it takes more strength to admit defeat when you are broken, to cry, to stay positive when bitter cynicism stands in the way and do all of this together without blame or criticism. That is harder than anything an angle grinder or a cold winter can throw.

6 Comments:

Blogger bowiechick said...

Well said Miss B. Well said.

5:39 pm  
Anonymous Marc said...

I second that comment.

8:46 pm  
Blogger Andrew Tognola said...

One day you will be able to look back on this and either laugh or shudder,but either way you will come through ( I know I have been there many years ago! )
But one thing that shines through is that you both seem two be really nice people , who have given body and soul to a project that you believe in , and YOU WILL come out even better for it.
So I am raising a glass to you both.

So cheers From Andrew and a good glass of malt whisky .

11:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How does one ever balance life and survive? It's an odd conundrum for many but particularly those who set themselves unbelievable challenges and for those who cause others to be in awe. It's a story old and new, from prehistory and history and from the past, the present and the future. Where there is life there are dreams. And you both have had a dream and dreams dependent on a dream. You've both had the foolishness or fortune to tackle the dream and attempt to make it come true. You both have souls and hearts and they can break just like skin and bones, muscles and feet. But you have courage and you might fight and you might love and you might break and you might glue yourselves together. You might be pushed and you might be pulled. The road you end on might not be the road you started on. There is no formulae for success in any relationship nor in the attempted achievement of a dream. And if it was easy how would that benefit you? You learn because the way you have chosen is a struggle. If it was not hard you would not be where you are. It is a route you have made in conjunction with others. Where there is love there will be tolerance, patience, generosity, kindness, forgiveness and a spirit which can endure all that is thrown at it. When it is done, a bit more than now but not yet finished, you will both take comfort and each feel proud from the fact that you have achieved something unimaginable and that something will transport your emotions elsewhere.
Please try not to be defeated. Please try to praise yourselves where credit is due. There is a winter of discontent upon us all but take a step back, have a little breather and time out from the target and maybe a fresh approach will wing its way into your souls, hearts and minds.
Lots of love from Seb's Madre xx

8:38 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Madre posted on le soir, 21 October 2008.

8:40 pm  
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8:23 am  

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